The last entry

What do you really, really really want today?

It’s been almost one year since I last reviewed my needs and wants.
Lots have happened since.

I returned from my yearlong journey in London with a broken heart and a broken spirit. I went to find myself professionally, hoping this would somehow infuse my emotional state, I came back in a thousand little pieces, and was then forced to put my puzzle together without a friend, love, money, car… or any other mundane tool. All I had was me- in pieces, but it was still me.

I tried going back to school, but somehow I was so hungry for knowledge, the school didn’t satisfy me enough. I started to pick up the little pieces and organize them neatly into piles. I figured I needed to assess the damage before I could do anything. I dreaded coming back to my home, I hang around my friend’s store, sleeping on a mattress on the floor for a week before finally gathering my courage and suitcases back here.

The instant I walked in I felt it… wanting to agree or not, I was home. This is actually a very new feeling, something I had never experienced before. Having left HOME when I was 13 to move to the USA, then leaving HOME again, to go to Brazil, and then leaving that home again to find a new HOME in London… I actually had not had a HOME in more than 25 years. My pictures, my books, my furniture… mine, my family’s house, where my father grew up, where my first days as a newborn baby was spent, the staircase with the 1970's blue tiles and wood that I walked my first steps as human being. The dining room where my mother and grandmother spent many afternoons smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee and chatting the day away. The kitchen where my grandmother prepared my birthday parties, the pantry where she would hide chocolate in very low places so I could find. The bedroom with the closets my grandfather built that would hold presents for me for all occasions. This was HOME.

I started by putting the place in order, throwing away old broken things, cleaning like a mad woman. Little did I know I was cleaning metaphorically.
During my long days of cleaning my mind and heart were mending and organizing themselves so I could soon reach in and build myself up again. Having been hit with a bit of depression, I became restless, I would spend two or three days without sleeping, just tossing and turning in my bed, so one day I decided it was time to see the mess in my mind.

I started a blog, having never been good at writing a diary, I thought this would help me emotionally to air things out. As any novice want- to- be writer I started at the beginning, trying to figure out from the bottom what was happening to me. I research political information about the 70’s and 80’s to try to explain why my family had decided to “up and away to the US of A”, I blamed our dictatorship of past decades and dollar oscillations in the 80’s. I looked for every reason except the real one.
The only truth to any of this is that you can’t start at the begging, the truth is the begging is so far down you cant get to it unless you deal with the stuff on top first!

It’s like trying to read that one phrase, from that one book at the bottom of a cardboard box, filled with other books and papers on top. The only way you will reach that book is if you can take out all the rest of the stuff from the top first. Now, there are two ways you can do this… If you choose to, you can just simply flip the box upside down and dump all the stuff on the floor, and then try amidst that mess find the “one” book you are looking for. Having to then, organize all the rest later or just leave it there until you need something else again. Or the more tedious, time consuming, mind boggling thing to do is to slowly unpack the box, organize the books you are already removing, replacing them o shelves until you finally reach the “one” book.

This was one enormous task! I have always been hyperactive, and my focus orientation is to always be focused on “something else”, so you can imagine the effort I had to put in to myself to get the task done.

I started by revising my year in London, the friendships I made, the troubles I got into. The ideal love I lost, that brought me to my least favorite relationship, before I left Brazil, therefore bringing me to my five year relationship before I left the USA, and I realized, I’d been doing it all wrong! Even though I always said before loving you must love yourself, no one can give you what they don’t have, blah, blah, blah…I had fallen into that trap of waiting fro someone to fix me, pick me up, and glue me together, save me from myself, make me better, I had been waiting for someone to find that odd little coal and polish it in a perfect diamond.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I spent a lot of time on my own, and that was very, very new. I am the one that never turns down a party, a chat on the phone, a movie or dinner. Party girl, always up for anything, but I guess in a sense I was already in a party… melancholic to say the least, but a party nonetheless.

I reviewed blames I sat aside for my father, and confronted the demons of childhood. I decided that I had to be responsible for my action, and I could no longer blame him for his shortcomings. I had to know what they were, and make sure I understood that from a certain time in my life he was not responsible, because there were no “victims”. I had to accept that event when I chose not to make I choice I was still making a choice of not choosing; there fore I was the only one responsible. I started eating books, drinking the nectar of knowledge, everything and anything, from lovely fairy tales, to Balzac’s interpretation of a woman, put forth in such a beautiful way in a moment very valuable for me as I was just turning 30 myself. I read self-help books, and magazines; I watched soap operas and analyzed myself. I clichéd myself to death, and began to see my life unfolding right before my minds eye.

It turns out Balzac was right. A woman of 30, is old. She is not willing to let anything or anyone come between her and herself any longer, she is not malleable, she is only flexible to herself, and only when she chooses to be.
This is the woman I became. I learned myself, I became me, together with myself I can now act as one. My mind is where it needs to be, and I am happy.

So what do I really, really, really want?
Never to loose myself again!





* I dedicate this to my eternal Balzac's Woman- my wondermoman! My hero, Mom

on sabbatical..

i might just not be ready to leave mine, just yet.... maybe i need a few more months away from people and their poison... or maybe ive been away for too long and forgot this is how the world really is?

dont be too quick to judge urself...
remember other people have hang ups too, so it might just be as much as their fault as it is urs

never...

trust someone who doent like animals

always...

doubt a woman that has more than 1 cat

nights drinking, having meaningless conversations with faceless people. only to wake up the next day and nor rembrr anything that was said, only remembering things I'd like to forget.

... on relationships

reproduced**

Married…and living under separate roofs!
We’ve been married for 15 years, but we’d never still be together if we lived under one roof. My husband and I are very Oscar and Felix. I’m a slob, and he’s incredibly neat and anal. In addition, our tastes are very different. His place has a gloomy, scary Norman Bates thing going on; my place is very light, airy, don’t-worry-be-happy-ish. And then there’s also the matter of lifestyle. He is extremely noise-sensitive. My husband is a former opera singer and lives in what was once a music studio. So, his digs are soundproof. He sleeps well there but cannot sleep at my place. So we never moved in together. We do have two noisy six-year-old twin sons. It may seem odd, but we see each other every single day—he tucks the boys in at night, and we have the occasional sleepover for the obvious reasons. My belief is this: Marriage is hard enough, even if you do have the same taste in slipcovers. But when you have different tastes, why compromise it if you don’t have to? The common thing between us is love, and isn’t that the most important thing?
-Judith Newman, 40, New York City, author of You Make Me Feel Like An Unnatural Woman

its been a while.. im kind of rusty.. bt lets go

today i begged
i begged for money,'brazil is a place that is cash only...
cash back doenst exist

i have money.. not a lot but enough to get me home... however i should have made it to the bank since ileft my wallet at home...

my bus card was empty
i got on a bus and they wouldnt let me keep going, cause i couldnt pay for it.. so i got off somewhere around paulista... went into a bar, and asked if i bought something they could give me cash back... the cashier said.. im not allowed, so i asked for the manager... i can understand she cant make that decision.. the guy is satnding right there... so i turn to him and he says.. if she says no, its no... and then i tryied to the best of my abilities to explain what "cash- back |" was.. to no use obvsiously..

unfortunately today woirkers became robots... i really cant wait for it to actually be metal things that we deal with, because when u speak with a person, a real live person it seems like someone s brainwashed, inpout some reaaly difficult programming in it that u cant get crack...

c'mon how hard is it to charge $5 and give me change???? in london this is done in a supermarket!!!!!

its not like u r robbing anyone the money is already there its going to be an easy surplus added with a comment at the end of the night!

but no, i couldnt get money...

so i walked up to a guy Bira, with a crosspassing vest, and asked him for money, so i could get home..

today i begged for bus money

3.1 in les than 30

So it seems like ill be 3.1 in less than 30 days, and I haven't done much writing lately... all I can say is that this year went by super duper fast!

Lots of information was dealt with in my head, i did get a grasp of myself this past year, found out where I stand with myself, and who I am... all I can say is that the only difference I've noticed was the flabby things on my back, and somehow I managed to hurt myself vacuuming the house! Otherwise know as the age approaching!

I'm still messy and very loud, and loving it. I'm still annoying and know it all, and yes... still loving it! All in all I'm still the me i knew, with a little more information for the me I'm becoming... but I no longer rush to get to the becoming, because I can only get there if I fully appreciate all the steps along the way.

I can truthfully say i am becoming a little more patient than what I used to be, and I kind of like it...

72/366

* from here on in all pictures taken with Nikon D80

it goes as they say it will, as fast as everyone promises
smooth as the day into night

hard as a slap in the face

small as a human to a universe

as fast as i can say i love you

time.

another failure attempt to get closer to usa waters, bt it was no use... so now my job as a photographer aboard is on hold until my immigration is here too...

i just want to go home.....

i used to always tell the truth. i thought that when someone asked me a question was because they wanted to know the truth...

over the years i realized the truth is not always the right answer. it can get u in much more trouble than a lie can. the truth can be used against u at any time, even the miranda rights will tell you that... its not always the best policy to tell everyting you know. im learning that.

im not saying that i approve of lying bt sometimes inly a part of the truth needs to be told in order for safety to prevail...

namesake

... i know i live in my own world...

But its ok... they know me here!!!!!

another sunday grey
summer seems so far away

i sit in bed trying to wait for the day to go by
it seems im stuck at strike of the clock...

dogs bark
birds chirp
i hear the bus on the avenue bellow

bt im still stuck on sunday

Homenagem à São Paulo

de Lula Queiroga/ Recife

Lula Queiroga, Recife - PE

lula@lulaqueiroga.com.br
cabem dez novaiorques no teu terreno
e vinte paris
cabem mais nordestinos
do que nordestinos tem no país
são paulo quatrocentão
são paulo quatro centímetros de jardins
custa mais que uma casa em catende ou surubim
aqui todo mundo é menor
do que tua malha viária
na ralação diária
seu grande exército na batalha produtiva
seu complexo de locomotiva
eu amo uma cidade assim, feia e bonita
matuta e cosmopolita
soçaite e aflita
que come, engasga e depois vomita
poesia repleta de fúria calada
são paulo
sitiada na periferia
situada no cérebro esquerdo da nação
vou doar a você meu coração
também meus olhos
continuarão te achando bela
depois que eu morrer

Happy Birthday São Paulo!!!

** Reprodução



Desejo a cidade de Sao Paulo, nesse seu 454o aniversário, que ela tenha paulistanos dispostos a ter um pouco mais de cidadania. Nao só ter, mas colocar em prática. Que aqueles que sao motorizados nao fechem mais os cruzamentos, nao cruzem os sinais vermelhos, nem tampouco parem seus carros em cima das faixas de pedestre. A blindagem, ou até mesmo o simples insulfilm que todos nós usamos, por questoes de segurança, parece nos transformar em guerreiros brutais, protegidos por armaduras, defendendo cada pedaço de asfalto que julgamos nos pertencer. 24/01 Luiz Marcelo Diniz

Desejo que aqueles que emplacam seus carros 0km fora da cidade, passem a emplacá-los na própria capital, como é o correto. Assim, veríamos menos Ecosport e Ford Focus, com placas de Camaçari ou Salvador. Menos Fiat Stilo e Palio Adventure com placas de Betim e Belo Horizonte. Menos Toyota Corolla com placa de Santana de Parnaíba. É impressionante como a frota de carros dessa pequena e vizinha cidade é enorme. Alguém está ganhando dinheiro com isso. Mas a nossa cidade perde. Nós cidadaos, também. 24/01 Luiz Marcelo Diniz

Desejo que os paulistanos, sempre cheios de pressa, buzinem menos no trânsito. Buzina nao abre caminho. Só irrita o próximo, gera atrito, discussoes, brigas e até mesmo mortes. Além disso, o ato de buzinar expoe a todos nossas maiores frustraçoes e fragilidades. Quem estiver com problemas pessoais que vá se cuidar. Descontar nos outros nao ajuda em nada. Muito pelo contrário. 24/01 Luiz Marcelo Diniz

Desejo ainda que as madames que moram nos bairros de classe media alta da cidade, ao passear com seus caezinhos de estimaçao, levem consigo uma simples sacolinha de supermercado, e nela coloquem as fezes de seu fiel companheiro. É incrivel como as calçadas dos bairros nobres da cidade estao repletas de dejetos de animais. E sao muito mais sujas do que as da periferia, onde as pessoas tem menos condiçoes, escolaridade e perspectivas. 24/01 Luiz Marcelo Diniz

Desejo que os paulistanos ávidos por diversao, e essa cidade é mesmo um ótimo lugar para se divertir, respeitem filas, horários, leis de silêncio, vagas para deficientes. Desejo que todos possam conviver pacificamente nos poucos e disputados parques da cidade. Que quem caminha, respeite quem pedala. Que respeite quem patina. Que respeite quem corre. Que respeite quem apenas passeia com a família. Que respeite a quem quer que seja. Respeito é fundamental. 24/01 Luiz Marcelo Diniz

Sao Paulo foi fundada em um colégio. Portanto, o mínimo que poderíamos fazer é mostrar um pouco de educaçao. Mostrar que somos capazes de aprender alguma coisa. Com a cidade e com as pessoas que nela vivem. É uma simples questao de educaçao, de boa convivência e, as vezes, até mesmo de sobrevivência. Sao Paulo pode ser uma cidade muito melhor de se viver. Só depende de nós mesmos. Feliz aniversário, Sao Paulo.

**reproduced from the village voice jan 2008

The Slow Blackout of Amy Winehouse
How a troubled r&b mega-talent's breakout hit turned against her
by Amy Linden
DISCUSSED
Amy Winehouse ("Rehab," #1 single)
Back to Black (#4 album)

I first saw Amy Winehouse live in January 2007, at Joe's Pub in the East Village: her American debut. By the end of the gig, everyone knew that Amy, all 85 or so pounds of her, had smacked r&b back to life. In four-inch pumps. The intimate club was filled with unabashed love, and she knew it. But between her flashes of genuine happiness, Amy was distracted and disengaged. She constantly fiddled with her weave and tugged her cocktail frock; outside of acknowledging Mos Def (her friend) and Mark Ronson (her producer), she rarely made eye contact with the crowd. Maybe it was just nerves. And yes, she was drinking, but no more than anyone else there. She sounded great, but acted like she didn't believe it. It made me fear that Amy had the talent to be a star, but might not have the strength.

My personal Amy fixation had kicked off two years earlier with Frank, originally an import-only debut (released domestically this past fall) with a smiling, curvy, weave-less Amy on the cover. Much like Back to Black sans the throwback sonics, the record articulated a wise-beyond-her-years wisdom with smoky jazz phrasings and hip-hop/r&b shadings. (Think Lauryn Hill without the preachiness.) My love only increased with Ghostface Killah's 2006 remix of her salty "You Know I'm No Good." But of course it was Back to Black—a chart-topper in the U.K. and very nearly a poll-topper here—that sealed the deal for everyone with its odes to getting fucked over and up.

Now Amy's a star: six Grammy nods, multi-platinum status for Black, and Pazz & Jop accolades at both album and especially single, where "Rehab"—bolstered by votes from last year (the record hit the U.K. in October '06)—pushed her ahead of the seemingly unstoppable Rihanna. Yet these days Amy's looking less like a soul savior and more like a lost soul, tsked-tsked by the View ladies, mocked on late-night talk shows, and lumped in with Britney Spears, another troubled (if lower-on-the-totem-pole) pop star whose music has been eclipsed by the train wreck.

You could see it coming. Even when her fan base was limited to Anglophiles, industry types, cool musicians, and folks who still can't understand why Craig David never became Justin Timberlake, you heard the dish: cancelled gigs, puking onstage, dramatic weight loss, punching out a fan (Amy's rationale? "The bitch was rude"), and drinking. Lots of drinking. (But come on! Girlfriend's English! Isn't that what they do?) Of course, after she went from cult artifact to Letterman guest, it only got worse. The blood. The bruises. The cancelled tours. The drive-thru rehab (no smirks). The staggering around her neighborhood in the dead of night in a push-up bra. Those goddamn pink ballerina flats. Her scumbag freeloading husband hauled off to jail. (Oh. That's good!) The next Ronnie Spector slowly, grotesquely transformed into the next Nancy Spungen.

In March, a few days after Back to Black entered the U.S. charts at #7—the highest-ever Brit female debut, and #6 after Spin and Rolling Stone both put her on the cover the same week—Amy played the first of two shows (the second cancelled due to "exhaustion") at the Roxy in L.A. The club, the crowd, and the celebs (e.g., Bruce Willis and Courtney Love, probably there to pass the Hot Mess torch) were all bigger than they'd been at Joe's Pub a few months before. But the audience was similarly blown away, though a noticeable number of people paid as much attention to Amy as she paid to them (i.e., none) until "Rehab," when the vibe suddenly shifted from "concert" to "kegger."

Watching anyone implode isn't pretty, especially an anorexic, drunken, codependent, beehive-rocking mega-talent. But what's almost as sad is that her anthem, the song that made her a star, is now Amy's albatross. Grammys be damned, "Rehab" is now a cheap tabloid joke, wildly misconstrued by critics and fans alike. In some ways, it's unavoidable: The song is about her former manager's futile efforts to get Amy sober, and it certainly didn't help that it exploded just as Hollywood made rehab the new yoga. Even so, it's hard to figure out how "I don't ever want to drink again/I just need a friend" or other Black lyrics like "I stay up/Clean the house/At least I'm not drinking" now inspire concertgoers to order another round of lemon drops.

In May, I saw Amy again at a sold-out show at the Highline Ballroom in NYC's meatpacking district. It was the first time I saw the personal affect the professional: Midway through the set, Amy was so smashed that she started missing cues and drifting off-pitch. She eventually fled the stage, confused and defeated, a meltdown greeted by a smattering of boos, though others just laughed and egged Amy on to drink more. I vacillated between fury and depression. It reminded me of Replacements or Johnny Thunders shows, where the more wasted the band got, the more the crowd ate it up, hoisting plastic cups like they were actually drinking together. Like they were bros, dude. Throw your hands in the air, 80-proof stylee. But when Amy shows us that "Rehab" is no party song, people get mad that her pain is messing with their night out.

A few hours before that L.A. show, I interviewed Amy in the lobby of West Hollywood's fabled Château Marmont, best known as the spot where John Belushi died. Her beehive and the omnipresent eyeliner looked slept-in. She was sweet and friendly, smiled broadly, and had downed two amaretto sours by 3 p.m. It didn't do much to put her at ease. She occasionally stuttered and rarely met my eyes. Girl didn't have stage fright—she had life fright. "I'm not too good about talking about myself," she admitted. She was only fully engaged when talking about music, especially jazz.

Toward the end of our conversation, she mentioned that she'd just broken up with a boyfriend. "I'm sorry," I said. "He got out of it easy," Amy muttered. "Trust me." She knew she was no good. I wanted to hug her. At Joe's Pub, I'd seen the future of r&b. Now I just hope Amy has a future, too.

the world we live in

BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

BANG!!!

as u r jst about to fall into dreamland... BANG..... u think no it cant be... BANG...no... i think it is.... clank, clank.... trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


and u look outside ur windown.. in a grey sunday dawn... 6.30 am there are construction workers making all the clanks and bangs they can....

u think to ur self...maybe the hammer jst got away from their hands... maybe they HAD to make that noise....

then, u write it off of ur brain, and right when everything is calm again...
BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


so we have 2 choices.. maek believe that doesnt affect u, go back to sleep... and let the noise fade in... OR one could take a stand and say ITS SUNDAY!!! 6.30 in the goddam fucking MORNING!!!!!- the sun hasnt even come up yet!!!! WHAT THE FUCK R U THINKING!!!!!!?????

so i stick my head out the window only to confirm what my dreamstate told me ... yes there is renovation going on... on the other side of the streets... i try to level... "hey.. guys.... its 6.30am... could do all that noise after 9???"
to which i get
"allS WE is doing is working!!!"

BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

time goes by, patience... expiring... i stick my head out the window again.. toask them to pLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASEEEEEEEEE stop... and i get a very rude gesture, followed by another one where one of the guys imitates a snake... then i tell them im calling the cops....
BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
BANG!!!!

BANG!!!!

clank, clank, clank...
trrrrrrrrrrrrr
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


i get the police bt they tell me i gotta call the county, the county cant help i call the police back and finally get a car over... its now 9am

the police arrive

NOTHING is done....

bt i got ur number mr jobson carlos lopes oliveira RG: 333507375x

try me....

New Bush Joke

President Bush was in a meeting with his top advisors when his chief of staff came and whispered in his ear.... The COS, Josh Bolton had said to Bush, "Sir, there were to Brazilians shot in the war today" President Bush had a look of confusion on his face???? He asked, "Just exactly how many is a brazilian"

urban sounds

it used to be that the animals, sun and the wind served as clocks... a long time ago, a time i didn't live. bt from what we see in the movies or read in old books, people used to tell time on a farm by the position of the sun- lunch time or supper...

the cock would ring out his bells as soon as the sun came up and that meant the beginning of the day.high noon very hot sun, that is when they'd go inside for lunch and a break from the sun.

many years away from the peaceful awakening the farmers used to have, i can now tell time by the urban sounds uttered outside my window... 5.30 am a motorcycle hums loudly outside and a faint whistle annoyingly pierce the quiet barrier. soon after u can hear the buses a block away, when the steal dark night ruled there were no motors but now, after the whistle there is one every 10 minutes and in less than 40 minutes it will be rush hour so there will be 10 buses to a minute. mid day/ high noon and the cars outside the school play loud rap/ brazilian funk to tell me that is time for lunch, and at supper time there is no supper, however there is a 120 km traffic backing up the highways, as the sun goes down the horns go higher, almost as if everyone is just plain yelling in the congested bumper to bumper traffic i hear 2 blocks away on the big avenue.

by 10 pm the traffic cools off and buses die down, you can hear hurried footsteps and the last noise before bed is usually the garbage truck with the clunks and clinks cleaning out our busy day.

call me old fashioned, bt id give jst about anything to get back the cock-a-doodle-dos of an early morning!!!!!

USA Presidential Run

showing emotion my ass!!!! hillary and her tears... hahaha great marketing move get the 14 undecided female subjects to share a moment

out of all the things i lost i definitely miss my mind the most...

Pirates of the new millenium!

i remember about 10 years ago when NAPSTER first came out, the hype it caused and everyone wanting IN on this new thing, that you were able to get music from anyone you wanted, rare recordings no longer available in stores, all with a click of the mouse... then came the news of how if downloaded anything infringing the copyright laws of the USA you would be on the "black list" and get called in for questioning and possibly even go to jail. i remember thinking how cool this all was, that the internet was so new and already people were inventing ways of communication and exchange. everyone was in awe of how it all worked.

a few years past, all threats about jail and whatever else subsided, then came youtube, and trailing along the famous bitorrent, and P2P... i personally started using the P2P in 2005, looking for old movies i couldnt find anywhere, soon the curiosity took over and i started looking for new tittles and recent books i had read...

after moving back to brazil, i was stripped of all my favorite series, so i started looking them up, and thanks to EzTV i can always get my "amaericana" fix, i get dexters hot off the shelf, loose myself with the whole series downloads and preview a movie before i actually go into the theaters... in no way this limits me to only downloading... but once i ve seen it on my little lap screen, if the movie is good is then i have no problem shelling out the 20 bucks to see it in the big screens!

the opening tittles of "Steal This Film- Part 1 " says Hollywood lost 7.1 BILLION dollars to piracy!!!! 7.1 BILLION!!!!!!! just imagine what that money could have done!

however the industry is not worried about world hunger, education or heAlth.. they are only worried about their pockets, and new cars, or the biggest blood diamond for their wife and mistress... so i say: GODSPEED Pirate Bay!!!! Long Live the Pirates!!!!!

the internet existed long before "we the people" were allowed in it! when they gave us access they limited what we could reach, but now.... oh now........ we have brilliant minds at work liberating us from chains and cells, giving us freedom to the all great World Wide Web!

**WATCH:
STEAL THIS FILM
STEAL THIS FILM II

LOLcats

jst found a hillarious site with cat pics!

http://icanhascheezburger.com



moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures

trials and turbulations

... finaly over!

after 3 weeks of intense stress and preparation for a job interview... im through to the next phase!

embarkation as of february 20th after my visa! yey!!!! 7 seas here i come!

we all knew this day would come

** click on the title of this post for the original article on the NYT

it seems brazilians cannot escape their own nature of running when the going gets tough.

today the NYT had an article saying how brazil is expecting 1.1 milion illegal brazilians to return home because of new immigration laws. people who fled in the early 90s are returning to brazil with dreams of hope, the same hope they had when they left their home country for greener pastures. the only problem with this is that once uve been in usa, left brazil and never returned to visit visit u are at a great disadvantage, ur family is telling you that brazil is getting better, and that now u have a perfect english and u can find a job anywhere. besides if u r only going to clean toilets u might as well come back home.

what they dont understand is that home is something that no longer exists, for they have been away too long, and will not adapt as easily to the harsh brazilian truth...

yes brazilians have a more happy way of dealing with problems, lots of bbq's, beer and friends... but life here is not even as easy as ur toughest day in the usa.

to the people returning all i can wish is good luck, and when u look back, i hope u made the right choice.

as for me, 11 years of the usa, 5 years of brazil and i cant wait to get back HOME!!!

on to phase 2

monday nov 26

i received an email from the agency saying that im on to phase 2, training "life aboard" next week! yeyyyyyyyy

TESAOOOOOOOOO

all aboard!!!!!!!!

1st phase- OK

i have been wanting to get on board for a few years now. before i went off to london i my ex had a contact that had worked in a ship, bt since we broke up i lost the ocntact.. its all good though london was great!!! so when i came back i met up with an old childhood friend that had jst come back from his first contract as a youth entertainer on board, and as he spoke im sure my eyes glittered!

so i got home and got googleing, research paid off as i found a very good agency that works with 9 cruise companies. i applied and got a call back for the first part of the interviewing stages.

- psychology test
- spoken english
- written english

i slept over at jorge's place because it was closer to the bus station, however when i got to tiete i found out there was no buses to santos from there (even though on the web all tickets i found were from there)... anyway, i took the subway to jabaquara, and arrived in santos 20 minutes late...

once i arrived the girls at the office told me that there were no more bar tending vacancies, but i could choose waitress or maybe stewardess... since i was already there i was up for anything... besides ive been stuck in brazil for 9 mths and no job... so "hey ho, lets go!"

the psychology test was 2 drawings- 1 of a house and the second of a person... (???) then there was the listening test, a song from the calling played only once and we had to fill in the blanks... and finally the interview, we get taken in couples, the girl started with me asking me about waitressing, i told her i hadnt been a waitress in 14 years bt i guess u never loose ur touch.. she moved on to the girl that was with me, who was obviously very nervous, and her english was very, very basic... so not to make her more nervous than she was already the rest of the interview was done in portuguese...

the interviewer had a look at my CV and asked me if id be interested in the Photographer position, of course i said yes... it was funny because when i looked into the photographer position they asked for portfolios and cameras... bt she obviously thought i was good for it, and i was extremely happy to be considered for the position!!!

yesterday i got an email saying i had passed the interview!!!! now i will complete some courses and i should be on board begining of next year! cant wait!!!!!!

happy gobble gobble day!

* a note from mommy

Thamara, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I want to give Thanks to the Future!
Thanksgiving next year we'll be together to give Thanks to all the good things on our life!
I want to have a beautifull table decorate with something outrageously different like the one you made for us in Bay Harbor!
I want to have a Thanksgiving with our very particular food, the mixing of American and Brasilian traditional holiday food that you love so much!
I want to give thanks to the mother/daughter relationship we share 'cause I'm sure it is the dream of every mother in this planet!
I'll have so much to give Thanks next Thanksgiving!
Today let's give Thanks to all the experiences we had being apart all those years!
Let's give Thanks to the Path we have create while we were separate!
Thanks to the persons we became trough the life we made far away from each other!
Thanks to be able to be so far and still se so close
I love you!
Mummy

becoming an adult

- stability
- function in society
- play well with others (team work)

* to felippe

these were some of the things i really wanted when i was younger, i was desperate to know how to be an adult. the thought plagued my every minute, every time i went into an interview, every time i got a new job... every time i tried to be an "adult" by society's standards i got chucked away.

it took me a long time to figure out that none of that exists... none of it... everyone is fucked up in one way or another... there is no right way of being an adult... its not what u see on tv sitcoms, or how u see other people behaving... it just is.

we grow up with all sort of rules and regulations on what being an adult is, and that can really weigh in on u at times. being an adult does not mean holding a secure job, does not mean paying ur bills, does not mean going out for happy hour and does not mean getting married and having kids. being an adult JUST IS!

i was having a conversation with a friend who is a few years younger than i, who has jst gotten a "secure" job, and he was telling me how he "needed" stability, and how he wants to be an adult... at 20 something this is a really big deal... i know ive been there. bt as time goes on u end up realizing that the "adult" fairy- tale, is jst that. a fairy tale. although people may judge u because society has implied that an adult should be certain things... i am starting to think that being an adult has absolutely nothing to do with what we think it has.

i think being an adult mean owning up to who u r, accepting and acting the way u r, without being worried about what "they" will think, what "they" would do, how "they" would act. this simple thing its actually a lot harder to DO than it seems. we have family standards that we should comply to. we have society standards that we must abide by. however the ONLY important standards we SHOULD be worried about is OUR standard. we should only be who we are and nothing else. because people come and go, family will stick around a little longer, bt wanting it or not they will go away too- be it death or jst a matter of differences. friends, if u r lucky u will find some that will stick for a long time, bt nothing is a guarantee that they will be with u till u die... the only thing we have is US. unfortunately we will have to put up with ourselves for the rest of our days... so dont kid urself, u should be who u r, and u should want to be better for urself, because trust me... at the end of the line and u r old and gray, the only thing that will make u happy is if u had a good life...

living up to ur own standards can be much more demanding than having to follow some
made up rule society has implied!

which one are you?

The Builder
Chemical in charge: Serotonin (associated with sociability and feelings of calm)
Personality: Calm, managerial, conscientious, home-oriented but social
Best match: The Explorer
Worst match: The Director

The Negotiator
Chemical in charge: Estrogen (associated with intuition and creativity)
Personality: Imaginative, sympathetic, socially skilled, idealistic
Best match: Good with all types!
Worst match: None

The Explorer
Chemical in charge: dopamine (associated with curiosity and spontaneity)
Personality: Risk-taking, spontaneous, curious, adaptable
Best match: The Builder
Worst match: The Director

The Director
Chemical in charge: testosterone (associated with independence and rational thinking)
Personality: focused, inventive, daring, logical, direct
Best match: The Negotiator
Worst match: The Builder


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

according to an article i jst read on chemistry and dating thesea re the 4 types of chemistry we are attracted to. i believe i am "the explorer", however i could be wrong... what do u guys think????

*** lets all chit that that!!!!

PS* if u click the title on this post it will take u to the article!!!!

still rio...

im still here... this place is amazing.. im so in love with rio!

last week i went to a sao paulo game at a bar in ipanema, beach, beach and more beach... tuesday i might go see my favorite musician, yamndu costa, here is also an exhibition from Marylin monroes pictures for vogue at the MAM that i am dying to see..

i also heard the place for the best sandwiches is called servante, might make my way there 2nite... all this depends on my check clearing as of now i have a total of 4 reais to my pocket!!!!

Support Crew for D-Run

i wouldve

i would have played my time as a pawn
i would have been great at it

i would have kissed asses and licked shoe steps
and have been really great at it

i would have dress the part
ate the part
farted the part

as i was asked to

i would have done many many things to get to where i wanted to be
if THEY wouldve let me

but unfortunetly (y cant i ever spell unfortunately???) this is the one word in the english dictionaru i cannot get a hold on!!!
anyway unfortunatly for them and very fortunately for me they didnt let me... and for that im great full...

is it thanksgiving yet?????

Carrie Bradshaw moment

best wake up call... 

i have a friend who is a dj, we met about 6 years ago when i first arrived brazil... hes always good fun to go out with, and before i took off to london, long after he and my friend had no more relations and after she had had a baby (from another guy) i decided to take the plunge and swing to djs beats...  3 yrs ago.. it was great fun, and since i left, 2 days later, it didnt affect our friendship at all... we kept in touch on msn and i did contact him when i got back, and we always go out and dance all night and most times he ends up crashing at my place, but since that one time i have not beat the drums again... 

last week we went out to a prty where he played at, and stayed overnite at a hotel since the drive back was about 4 hrs, and it is always nice to go to sleep with something cuddly next to u.

this morning at about 8.30 am my phone rings and i am awaken with declarations of love... there is nothing better to a girls ego than having a man telling u that u r the most precious thing in the world, and how special and dear to him u r... me being an old player of the cat and mouse game... know this well... very well indeed...

i am now the object of desire... and how great it is to know how to play it...

ahhhhhhh if i would have only learned this a few years back i wouldnt have let my heart "THUMP" for those who didnt deserve...

so here is the bradshaw moment:

why is it that when u act/ or trully are uninterested they are interested?

and when is it that we women learn how to play this to our advantage... 

see my friend is at an explicit gain at the moment, since i decided to take my celibacy vote, and not have a relationship, "until im right in the head" which lets face it... might take a reeeeeeally long time... but none the less i will not be making use of this new found tool, just yet... with the exception of feeling up my ego... oh alll right... maybe ill jst get the target practice out of the way...... im sure this tool come with many glitches, so i might as well test it out before putting it into full functionality....

im off to class now...

ta-ta

one more

one more night
one more day
one more coffee
one more pack of smokes

REPRODUÇÃO

Dia Quase Qualquer
de Camila Moraes
** blog misterios da milaca

Quarta-feira, dia qualquer, e hoje vivi quase de tudo um pouco. Acordei como há que acordar e decidi comer fruta com aveia, o que QUASE nunca faço. Comi o mamão quase pela metade do prato, sem gosto que eram, a fruta e a aveia. Saí de casa pouco depois das nove, quase o horário que tinha programado. Bom. É incrível (ou crível) a quantidade de coisas que acontece – ou quase – e que acaba por fazer de uma quarta-feira qualquer um dia digno de livro ou novela (cinema pode ser menos espetaculoso).

Casa de Jorge Villa, centro. Cheguei à casa do Jorge, realizador audiovisual e crítico quase ferrenho da Colômbia e a chamada “colombianada”. Eram as 10 ou quase, conforme o combinado para a entrevista. Não fosse o forobodó em frente ao edifício, o plano teria se realizado. Não dei bola para o que me parecia “qualquer coisa”, como faço sempre. Primeira pergunta vai, a resposta quase vem, e resulta que aquela era a data de uma inspeção no prédio, quase para ser desocupado. Vizinhos entraram e saíram acompanhados da advogada e de uma que chorava soluçando horrores ou por aí. Um pouco mais de tempo e um pouco menos de drama, e consigo convencer o Jorge de que a culpa do cinema (ou quase) na Colômbia é da televisão. Saí quase satisfeita: convite para gravar em Cartagena. Bem bom.

Centro de Bogotá, e caminhei entre frustrada e animada com o lance do Jorge. Da projeção passei num átimo à real realidade. A consulta médico no “Profamília” não tinha horário, mas era como se quase. Andei correndo para evitar o meio-dia o horário livre do resto do mundo (ou praticamente isso). Consultório da Dr. Diana, e eu descubro que meu DIU recém-colocado está sendo repelido pelo meu corpo rebelde. Necessidade de exame de gravidez, e termina que eu quase posso ser mãe.

Repito: quarta-feira, um dia qualquer. Nem era feriado. Quase flertando com a idéia da maternidade, eu quase consigo confirmar a possibilidade da dúvida, não fosse minha incapacidade de fazer xixi no momento em que mais preciso dele. Foram 45 minutos de espera para as primeiras contrações da bexiga, e fico sabendo que ser mãe – ou quase – é uma espera que começa muito antes do que se imagina. Não deu nada. Ótimo. Por agora.

Carrera 7ª, eu semi-aliviada. Quase perco o almoço por pouco preço, não fosse a pressa que me garantiu restaurante aberto e o PF de frango. Corri comendo, e logo o filme começou no horário, às três ou quase. Cinemateca Distrital, filmaço, uma loucura. Saí pensando que tinha o tema do meu sonhado documentário. Algo muito inovador – ou quase –, tipo a relação homem e mulher. Tipo simples e contundente?

Tipo cinco da tarde, e aquele sol com ar frio que só Bogotá... Ameacei ir à aula do curso da universidade, mas no fim não. Uma quantidade de coisas em uma quarta-feira, e ao final nada. Estava quase confusa. Cansada. Afinal, quase entrevistadora, realizadora, mãe e documentarista. Incrível a quantidade de coisas que ameaçam acontecer em um dia. E nem era feriado.

sleep is to dream

drained
tired
15.000 songs and not one i want to listen to on my ipod
150 channels and not one i want to watch
thousands of movies on my hard drive and not one captures my attention

the web is endless with information i dont want to go after

all i want is to sleep
to sleep a dream
deep and long

i wish to sleep
to sleep to dream
dream to forget

forget the pain and tiredness in my brain
my mind wonders places i dont dare to go,
i wander around the house, up the stairs
down the stairs... and nothing, nothing visible nothing there
nothing in my heart

and the decades starts piling in... and the simpsons are still tehre

when the simpsons hit fame i was already a well bread american girl tv bound, so obviously i was not supposed to like the cartoon, so of course id watch 90210 and melrose place... bt id always flip back and forth and laughed out loud with the middle american family, not even realizing the parody they were painting would last me years to come.

15 years later the movie comes out. one and a half decades, too many months on which we grow old in, too many days to remember the reruns... too much time and none at al, as the great family still has some stunts to show not only america bt the whole world that making fun of middle america is fun... so for all of u anti- americans... have laugh... this may not bring the patriotism of bugs bunny goes to war, bt it will definitely mark a stepping stone for us sons and daughters of mass media. long live warhol!!!!

face value

it is a sad feeling to be the presence of a woman who does not know her own value.

i met a couple of friends this weekend for a bbq, after the bbq a friend of mine said her friend was the producer of a show that was happening and he could get us in, so we all went to the show... sure enough he did get us in, we did have fun, and at he end of the night she said she was going to go home with him, because "after all" he did get us in for free. that triggered a little something in my mind.. i couldnt believe a 29 year old woman was telling me she was selling herself for a few tkts to get in to a show!

i mean "after all".... i dont care what she does with her life or her pussy, or anything else for that matter, but to actually vocalize that she was going to jst because???? i mean c'mon!!!!!! u gotta be kidding me right? u wanna stay, stay, bt to put a price on that was jst ridiculous! and to include me in this price, because after all i did use the free pass,  so what??? was she paying with herself for me too?????? 

its no wonder latin and south american women are viewed as whores all over the world, when they act as if they are one, even when not in that situation, could men expect anything else?????

popCorn

so what makes pop orn pop?
is it the heat?
the oil?

can it pop without the oil?
im sure if u jst leave the oil sitting on the corn it wont pop...
but can u pop popcorn with water???

hmm i will have to try that!

when i was little my dad always made popcorn... my favorite was the caramel one... and after he popped it, he would put it into cubes and glasses or coffee mugs, and wait for it to cool off, and then tap on the bottom and pop the solid crushed popcorn... yummyyyyy...

i could never a sweet caramel popcorn as good as my dads... but i keep trying...

burning one kernel at a time1

listen to YOUR SELF

today was the first time i chose NOT to, not to be surrounded, not to be in the middle, not to go to dinner, not be our with pseudo- friends.... as i have asked the universe to show me, it is now my time to act. today i acted!

appliances

so there i am trying to get the ice out of the freezer from the new freezer, that keeps overflowing onto the outside area of the freezer, making it impossible to close the door.. nothing works... hot water, defrost, wait wait and wait... so i find a pointy knife to poke around and get the extra ice out so i can close the door... poke, poke, poke... tcheck, tcheck tcheck tcheck.. psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst.... run, turn off the fridge, turn off all the lights... hmmm what was that?? gas? hmmm, no smell, psssssssssssst..... knife in hand all lights off, plug out... pssssssssssssssst- i never had a fridge that made ice!!!i mean that the whole thing was ice--- u know little icicles hanging down- how should i know? i remember my grandmother had one, but the memory of ice in the freezer for me meant that neon blue refrigerator, rounded- 1950 style... would i ever imagine i had BOUGHT one in 2007????? i guess it does seem i had.. so now it will cost me pretty much about the same to fix as to what is going to cost me to get a new one... note to self: when buying a refrigerator in brazil make sure its FROST FREE